A Letter To My Future Self (to be read in 5 years time)

Dear N.,

I have been thinking about writing this letter to you for a few days now. First I thought I would handwrite it, seal it and hide it somewhere safe. But knowing you too well, I have the feeling that the letter would end up 'lost' in the middle of a book, a magazine, a diary, in a box, or mixed up with all the small things you keep as souvenirs. So I have decided to leave it in here, a place where I hope you still visit quite often, if not to write, at least to read about how was life a few good years ago. 

I had to promise myself I would not read it again once it is finished. Although I am not good at keeping promises, as you might remember, I will try my best to keep this one. 

I thought you would like to know that from all the letters I have written in my life (the real and the virtual ones) this is by far the most difficult. Maybe it is because I know I cannot lie to you. Well, I can, but you will know. Maybe it is because I am writing in English and it is been such a long time since the last time I actually wrote something other than an e-mail or a text. I try not to, most of the time, as I can be very hard on myself and hate making mistakes. You used to be the same but I kinda hope you managed to learn how to be a bit more relaxed by now.  

At the moment I am aiming for a Cambridge Certificate of Proficiency in English, which I should have gotten ages ago. It is not as if it is of any use for me here (or in Brazil), but it is one of those personal goals I set for myself and left behind, unaccomplished. Now I feel it is time to catching up.  It gives me something to look forward to, as my job is not exactly the job I want to do for the rest of my life, and I cannot think of anything else I would like to be doing instead. 

By the way, I am dying to know how much your English has improved in all those years. Do you still live in Dublin or you and the husband have finally decided to move to Brazil for a while? By now, you might have gone and come back. The plan was to live there for a year or two, wasn't it? Before the babies arrived. 

In fact, one of the things I am most curious about you is actually whether you have had babies yet or not. If you did I wonder if it is a boy or a girl. If he or she is dark-skinned with dark hair and dark eyes like me, or fair-skinned with fair hair and blue eyes like I., or even a mixture of you both. And if they have not arrived yet, I want you to remember how happy you were without them anyway, how well you got on and how you were able to make each other happy, even throughout difficult times. 

Either here or there (or anywhere) I hope life is being good for both of you. I hope your marriage is as happy for you as mine is for me. I hope you still find quality time to spend with each other. I hope he can still make you laugh. I hope you have fun. 

I like to think that I picked a good husband for you. I actually feel quite proud of that to be honest. He is not only smart, handsome and fun, but he is selfless, kind and loving. And more than that, he accepts all my craziness and makes me sure he will accept yours too. He loves me and he will love you just the same. 

Right now things are a bit stressful and overwhelming, in a way that it seems they will always be that stressful and overwhelming (and I do not know what to do with myself). I miss my mum (at the point that every time I think about her I have to try hard no to cry). I miss teaching. Moreover, I miss life without all the grown-up decisions, and its consequences. But even at these moments I have the feeling that everything will be just alright. And as I know you might be a bit forgetful, I wanted to share this feeling with you. 

And a few other things as well, that you know now but you might have forgotten in five years time:

• do not forget how much you enjoy writing;
• write (to yourself or others) even when you are feeling lost;
• read (newspapers, blogs, books, magazines, whatever);
• enjoy the summer days outside (in case you still live in Ireland);
• do not try to run away from problems or decisions;
• try not to complain so much;
• learn to relax for God's sake;
• try to watch more films that make you think instead of girlie rom-coms (which deep inside you hate anyway);
• listen to The Beatles and remember how much this makes you feel good about yourself.

And if everything else fails, smile, and give I. a huge hug.

My biggest wish for you though, is that you learn from my mistakes and look back one day with no regrets.

All in all, I hope you are happy, because that is all that matters in the end.

Love,

N.